::i totally THINK im funny::

Von Trapp vs. the Nazi Regime

2011-02-01T12:33:00.005-05:00

Jan Matthews has 3 sons and 3 grand-boys. No girls. She claims to prefer boys, but deep down she wanted someone who'd watch the von Trapp family alongside.

She even founded FAME (Fine Arts Mini-Experience) which teaches kids everything from Beethoven to Monet (25 years later it's spread throughout NorCal). A nice break from soccer and basketball games.

For a new Matthew's Christmas tradition she takes what females are available (Grandma, sister-in-laws, ward members) to the "Sound of Music" Sing-a-long at 5th Avenue Theatre in Seattle. This year, some of the men attended as well. 2,000 women shooting off poppers during the final kiss was worth the experience. I like noise.

I was really glad to find out the Nazi's didn't end up killing the children. That would've ruined my night.

All I could think of during the movie was, "call my NY friends, rent out a theatre and instead let's do '3 Amigos'".

Typical. Dad is figuring out logistics to get everyone home and Grandma thinks were at the airport. See how happy my Mom is.

Hot Tub Christmas Caroling

2010-12-26T01:32:00.000-05:00

bathroom humor

2010-12-18T01:02:00.002-05:00

Update: I'm in Sammamish with the family for Christmas break.

One thing to know about me is that I take issue with the Nutcracker. I realize Tchaikovsky is brilliant, but 2x's/year watching it growing up in San Francisco killed it for me. My mother, who also "totallythinksshesfunny", added a little ornament to my hand soap.

Think I'm good on the toiletries.

white elephant gifts

2010-12-12T21:50:00.001-05:00

You're thinking, "oh, score on the travel mug Mike."

Now you're thinking, "Wow, diamond encrusted mirror..you win best 'white elephant' gift, you always do."

"Fail"


Oscar's do-rag made it 2 blocks then found itself on the "2" train tracks. Really can't take him anywhere.

Still finding ways to get rid of the 10 poster-size glamor shots taken at a mall in Bangkok. Other times found here and here.

undercover clown

2010-12-05T23:14:00.000-05:00

Clown Rule #6: No cell phones or cameras during parade

My Rule: aggressively showcase how to capitalize on 30M viewers w/ social media.

C'mon Macy's! It's time.

(and yes, I do own both Twitter handles: @macysclown & @macysparade)

3-hour Macy's Parade Clown Training (VIDEO)

2010-11-21T21:59:00.002-05:00

Follow @macysclown for my updates during parade.

Clown Training (yes, we do take an oath)

2010-11-17T17:11:00.000-05:00

Pro clowns warmed us up for an hour. Literally. They had us all get inside that ring and when the head clown asked, "HEY, how do you feel!?" which was followed by the reply, "hot." I swear a midget clown gave me a "honk, honk" in that rink. Little bugger.

Breakout session with our "Confetti Clown" leader to go over rules, skits and the most emphasized rule each year - USE THE BATHROOM BEFOREHAND. For any that aren't already scared of clowns, now you know what 'tats' are hiding underneath all that clothing and makeup.

This year's uniforms. Most breathable we've had. No prom dress this year.

Our leader really, really liked Stephanie..."honk, honk".

Reason #43 I'll never run for political office

Here's me not really paying attention to instructions, until....

Clown leader: "Be sure and don't point your confetti gun directly at kids."

Me: "Wait, what?"

Clown leader: "Be careful not to point your confetti gun."

Me: "Wait. You're telling me that Macy's will be supplying me with a confetti gun in front of 200,000 people?"

Clown leader: "That's what I'm saying"

Parting gifts. Year #5 is on.

Macy's Clown Type Announced.

2010-11-06T13:40:00.002-04:00

Fingers crossed for a tighter outfit than last year.

Year # 5 in the Parade. Year #3 of soliciting Macy's to allow me to live Tweet during the Parade...we'll see.
It's time to make this thing more interactive. Agree?

"Love is not blind"

2010-10-23T22:10:00.000-04:00

Freud v. C.S. Lewis

2010-10-10T11:14:00.001-04:00

In 1939 a "young Oxford professor visited Freud" right before Freud (age 83) passed away in England. Some have speculated it was C.S. Lewis (age 41), but unlikely. It did inspire the creation of this play posing the question: "What would they have talked about?".

Snuck in this pic before an usher said, "ahem". Not only was the play genius, it get's you thinking, "what two historical figures would you pay to see chat for an hour?"

Mayor Mike..a tad concerned.

2010-09-30T18:45:00.000-04:00

Muhammad, my halal guy, spent $1,800 for two digital signs to increase traffic to the cart on 94th and Broadway. I asked him if he's seen an increase in customers to which he responded, "no idea".

Really concerns me that someone might take my "mayorship" if these signs work out.

$5. That's it. Mayor Mike will never increase costs. Don't mess with me UWS.

landlord wars

2010-09-17T10:14:00.001-04:00

My fellow tenants fight against our landlord's hallway paint color with...keys.
I'm torn, as throwback soda, jerseys and songs are still in. So, why not pre-war apartment complex hallways that sometimes smell like P&P (pot & poop)?

King of Thailand Tours NYC

2010-08-29T22:49:00.001-04:00

...ending up with James from the mail-room who's been jealous of "Mini-King" gift to Jen from Christmas. James has promised care of the King.

People of Thailand: I apologize for my insensitivity to the sacred role of King Adulyadej

Jersey Boys: Ferg's Five-Year Run

2010-08-18T00:22:00.001-04:00

Canadian Rejects

2010-08-16T09:31:00.002-04:00

Canadian Border Patrol Booth (after asking standard border questions): "Mr. Matthews, what is the relationship between you and Ms. McOwen?"

Me: "Friends. I mean, she's an actress so I really need more stability in my life. She's great, but I need a woman with full health benefits." (C'mon, that question is pleading for a humorous response).

Canadian Border Patrol Booth: (no smile) "Sir, can you pull your car up behind the booth."

Me: "I don't think she thought that was funny" (as I pull car around and am greeted by fully-armed officers)

Canadian Border Patrol: (20 minute search through journals and flipping through digital camera pics as we stood in front of car)

Canadian Border Patrol: "Is this yours?" (holding a firework that was in the trunk)

Rachael: "Whoops, yeah, I forgot that was there. Can we throw it away?"

Canadian Border Patrol: "No! You can't just THROW this away! Come with me."

Mike/Rachael: (taken into holding office with 20 other exhausted tourists to wait 2 hours followed by individual questions about, once again, their relationship and what they do for a living in detail)

Canadian Border Patrol: "OK, please get in your car, take this firework and denial slip back into the U.S."

Rachael: "What? 3 hours of this, all we want to see is Niagara Falls for 10 minutes"

Mike: "Rach, we can't fight this anymore, let's go back to America. Hey, we made it 10 feet in."

U.S. Border Patrol (after giving him the denial slip and showing the firework): "HA! That's hilarious! Those guys are ridiculous."

Mike: "I promised you Falls, let's go see it on the American side. The view is not as cool, but the humor is."

What I learned:

1. If you want a forced DTR, go to the Canadian Border

2. Actresses apparently carry fireworks

3. "Angry Birds" iPhone app game kills time

Rach

history lesson: why we left England

2010-07-28T11:41:00.002-04:00

Tuna + Corn = Ridiculousness enacted by Monacracy

Tuna + Potato Chips = Perfect amount of crunch, taste and American Eagle*

Also, here's some words I've been taught by my visiting English family:

"Boot" = Trunk of car

"Bonnet" = Hood of car

"Fit" = Hot, good looking (not just in-shape)

"Ice lolly" = Frozen popsicle

"Come up trumps" = It was successful

"Many happy returns" = Happy Birthday

"Duckie" or "Camp" = Interested in those of similar orientation

*not a real Eagle as that leads to conviction

hot tub resolution

2010-07-22T23:26:00.002-04:00

Problem.

Solution.

Success.

Dork-brain.

Be careful in the DR folks.

Dance Competition @ NY, NY Stake Camp-out

2010-07-13T22:51:00.001-04:00

Inwood 1st + 2nd took home the golden shoe

garbage + graffiti

2010-07-01T23:31:00.002-04:00

Normally, old folk call the fuzz in Riverside Park to shut me down. But not this day. On this day, I found my first fan (besides my Grandma).

don't film and drive

2010-06-22T23:48:00.001-04:00

Don't judge me, I had to capture two things I miss in NYC: Bongos and driving. Or driving Bongos.

nails + hair, did.

2010-06-15T00:12:00.001-04:00

My color choice = Met's Blue. Which I proudly wore to the Subway Series that night.

The Annual NY, NY Stake Youth Block Party was a hit yet again. The kids worked hard. And I look absolutely fabulous. More pics here.

"Sun-Day" (Music Video)

2010-06-01T22:26:00.000-04:00

A follow-up music video to "Snow Day". We welcome Andrea back to ITTIF. And yes, I should've said "slide" not "sled", I recorded in one take, so get off me.

Jersey Shore Relay

2010-05-21T18:00:00.002-04:00

anxious vacationing in Israel

2010-05-19T23:24:00.000-04:00

Hate.

Love...Soldier Love

Idaho vs. Israel (Bargaining)

2010-05-16T20:00:00.001-04:00

Can you find two bearded Americans?

2010-05-12T11:49:00.000-04:00

A tour group from Hong Kong sat around Brent and I while we studied at The Garden Tomb/Golgotha in Jerusalem. Didn't realize they were setting up for a group shot.

Here's the email that was sent from Amos (one of the tourists):

"Dear Michael - Still remember you had a photo with group of Hong Kong people, here you are, God bless you."

O' lil' town of Bethlehem has....

2010-05-04T13:31:00.003-04:00

...a couple lil' trademark issues going on

newest member of the Israel Defense Force...

2010-04-28T16:21:00.000-04:00

It's mandatory for 18 year-olds, but me and The Gap jacket joined voluntarily. They wouldn't give me a gun.

kicking off the Israel trip...

2010-04-25T16:37:00.000-04:00

Israel is gorgeous, but the water does taste like doodie. Brent broke his "no-pop" streak. This pic was take in Tiberias. The Sea of Galilee is two blocks away.

Day #1.5 of growing the whiskers. By day #7 I'll look like a sun-burnt leprechaun.

We arrived on the Jewish Sabbath ("Shabbat") so the airport was like a library. Every shop closed, one baggage claim running and every street outside was empty. Like most hotels, ours in Nazareth has a "Sabbath Elevator" which stops on every floor so riders can avoid pressing any buttons (avoidance of electricity).

Easiest job in the world

2010-04-19T22:19:00.001-04:00

Turns out english bulldogs suffer from what my brother refers to as L.B.D. (lazy-butt disease). Cowboy wasn't interested in going more than 5 feet away from home. His owners have since returned from the hospital (with a healthy baby girl), so once Cowboy gets jealous of the new addition, he'll probably call.

Mischief begins...

2010-04-14T17:05:00.001-04:00

In case you're confused, check out my last post. And yes, the cat's name is Inigo Montoya

"Cowboy" the Bulldog

2010-04-06T18:11:00.007-04:00

My neighbor is due to have her baby in the next week or two. When the baby comes I'm in charge of all pets (they have a cat, but who cares about cats) including "Cowboy". Even though this crazy bulldog has been leaving hair on my suit and slobber on my hand for a full year while in the elevator, I'm a big fan. We're already making plans to visit Riverside Park Dog Parks and cause a ruckus. If Cowboy happens to eat a little yapper dog by accident, I can't be held responsible (that boy can eat a soccer ball). We plan to break at least 80% of rules found here. I met with my neighbors last night and here's some of my instructions:

1. If he's been sleeping for 14 hours it's ok. He's not dead.
2. Only let him run around for 10 minutes. He doesn't know when to stop and will give himself a heart attack
3. His snooring will keep you up
4. He cuddles, but will push you off the bed

Easter Baskets Delivered NYC-style

2010-04-06T13:05:00.001-04:00

Something very gangster about this Lindt bunny.

Careful this weekend NYC

2010-04-02T11:39:00.003-04:00

I would avoid The Great Lawn and 94th street. Now you know. Thanks to Cost-co.

Ohio

2010-03-31T23:01:00.002-04:00

Entering the parking lot I said to myself, "Mike, how great is your chest hair? It really is fantastic, ain't it?. Go ahead my man...you get through these meetings." And that I did.

Brutus and Buckeyes maintain a presence on cars, restaurants, fan-wear, the airport, billboard ads and most conversations I had on my first trip to this state. To gain acceptance with locals, just say, "OH" and they'll finish the rest.

Whirley-Pop & Planet Pancakes = Still Far From Domesticated

2010-03-18T00:03:00.001-04:00

Folks sent a Whirley-Pop for my birthday. Sucker popped every kernel in 40 seconds! Nearly Whirley-pooped my pants.

Domesticated Gift #2 above from Christmas

Pancake Pen

In life you learn.

And I learned.

Oh, what is up planet pancakes?

Oscars (The Cove) + Mobile: Text "Dolphin" to 44144

2010-03-07T23:48:00.004-05:00

Always glad to see Boomers embracing mobile marketing

I (luv) Graffiti

2010-02-28T23:20:00.000-05:00

Yup. I'm the most gangsta' boyfriend eva'.

"Snow Day Anthem" (Music Video)

2010-02-11T10:50:00.002-05:00

I joined 1,000 8-year-olds at Cedar Hill in Central Park for sledding. I think I only hit 1-2 of them.

1:45 w/ "Hannah the Helper-outer"

2010-02-05T13:35:00.001-05:00

Sweet Hannah helped me move a co-worker in Brooklyn, which took up most of her Saturday. Posting this fairly embarrasing video of her is not deserved. But the last part of the video when she trips on the U-Haul step needed to be shared with the world. It makes me laugh every time.

a blue chair grows in brooklyn

2010-01-31T19:12:00.003-05:00

Jeannette: "mobilematthews (my Twitter handle), what are you doing with my blue chair in the middle of the street?"
Mike: This NettaP (holding up camera)! Get out here before NYPD does.

NettaP was successfully moved into her new apartment. And yes, Red Rob's guns are real.

Theatre + Cupcakes (you can take my man pass)

2010-01-26T16:02:00.001-05:00

Seventy tourists waited outside The Palace Theatre in hopes of winning lottery tickets to see West Side Story. I thought to myself, "here these people came from all over the world and I'm blessed to come anytime to Broadway shows." A man drew the first name out of a hat and yelled, "Summer Saunders". As Summer picked up her tickets another name was called, "Mike Matthews". A miracle on 46th street.

As I eagerly waited in line to pay the discounted price I looked through the window as the tourists began to file away. Guilt began to set in as I locked eyes with a young puppy-dog eyed girl who was all dressed up. Right before her mom grabbed her hand to leave I mouthed something to her that I hope that little girl will remember forever: "I rule sucka-face".

Turns out, I would've rather had puppy-dog eyed girl see the show. Our group mutually agreed the cast wasn't "into it". I think sometimes Broadway performers forget (and I don't blame them) that every night is magic for the audience. Keep the passion day in and day out people. What WSS really needs is Tony Jiminez.

We did sneak in Crumbs cupcakes, so that softened the blow. I recommend the Butterfinger.

Quentin "The Intern"

2010-01-13T21:02:00.009-05:00

Every summer Manhattan overflows with interns (I used to be a lowly advertising intern in Soho). My favorite intern from this past summer, Quentin, arrived bright-eyed and bushy-tailed to interview for a spot this coming summer. Aren't interns just little peaches?

You may remember Quentin from our Michael Jackson dance party in Times Square video

the final birthday gift...

2010-01-12T20:36:00.001-05:00

Excused from birthday participation b/c of work assignments in South Africa, Addison popped into my office with what is probably my last gift. Not entirely sure what you do with a postcard that features a location you weren't actually at, but he's a good man with a good heart so just back off.

Clique Girlz Blowin' Up

2010-01-10T23:19:00.000-05:00

The Clique Girlz signed a deal w/ Walmart. Wearing neon purple pants to work tomorrow in their honor. Congrats girls.

I DISLIKE My Birthday (yeah I said it)

2010-01-07T22:22:00.006-05:00

I like to be the center of attention (we know this), but I want to earn it. Bdays bug me b/c no work is required for unwarranted attention. All I did was be born. All work was conducted by Jan Matthews. In fact when I was born guess what I did: First, I cried, followed by poop. Lots of poop. And one last thing: the birthday song...why don't we just get a taps bugler to accompany that little diddy.

Regardless of my cynicism, Summer and company made this one enjoyable, mostly by stickin' it to me. The cake was classic.

A calendar with my least favorite animal

Summer had friends/family write up notes and hid them around the room. She refuses to tell me where they all are. So, thank you to all that participated...many I might not find until March

Parents still think I'm 12. And yes, I do have my Mary-Kate & Ashley photo in my office (above my right shoulder)

Stephanie and Roz (from my previous job) sent junk from around the office. The best were Christmas cards transformed to birthday. Excuse the pixelation, pics were taken with this.

Christmas 2009

2010-01-02T13:26:00.002-05:00

My Mom spent 4 hours on dinner. I spent 4 minutes on name plates.

We told her it beats a nursing home

We learned that Andrea can't whistle. Even into a whistle.

Ruined a yoga mat so Moms could get some Summer/Bikram time.

My lifts can't compete with the Rat King.

Hot Chocolate mixes for family and friends (laced with Hydrogen Cyanide)

(videos to come soon)

Uncle Mike's college fund

2010-01-01T00:32:00.002-05:00

A savings bond over Thomas the Train for a 5 year-old's Christmas gift requires a little color.

Sarcasm.

Preston Thomas will thank his rad Uncle Mike. Someday.

about

2009-12-29T14:52:00.017-05:00

"Hi. I'm Mike. I like you."

My background:

I'm a full-time mobile-social-media-ad guy and part-time grad student at Columbia. I grew up in both Fremont, CA and Sammamish, WA, but for the past 6 years I've lived on the Upper West Side in "Mannahatta". I'm a grown man (with chest hair) who still draws cartoons and dresses up like a clown for the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. Lastly, I work with around 70 youth from Washington Heights down to the Financial District as part of my church volunteer service. I surround myself with folks with passion or who can find the good, as well as the story, in anyone. Those folks have always proven to be more interesting company.

My Blog:

I asked my ex-girlfriend what I should name it. Her reply, "Mike, I've never met anyone who cracks themselves up more than you. You totally think you're funny. Name it something along those lines." So,there you go.

Contact: michaeltmatthews@gmail.com

Greeting Grandma at the airport

2009-12-28T14:07:00.007-05:00

One day at a time.

Macy's Parade Booty Shake

2009-12-23T22:33:00.001-05:00

The video that will keep me OUT of political office

Boom. Clown kiss. Summer later remarked that was the only time in our relationship that she's been scared of me.

King of Thailand = Appropriate White Elephant Gift

2009-12-20T19:49:00.004-05:00

"Oh, Mike can talk Thai. Mike talked Thai real well". I don't know why the co-workers think this if funny. They show little respect for the King.

Although Jen didn't end up with the King, Jason gives the King his proper respect. He is blessed for his actions.

Where are my parents? (the game)

2009-12-15T21:52:00.003-05:00

Can you find Father Tim in line at Grimaldi's?

Can you find Mother Matthews behind this pizza?

Can you find me throwing up?

Yup, you found her. And yes, my new Canon Rebel T1i is rad.

Kentucky vs. UConn - MSG

2009-12-13T15:59:00.002-05:00

It's very well possible that Michael Douglas is searching for gold

It's a Christmas Miracle.

2009-11-28T21:39:00.008-05:00

Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade - Clown 101 Training

2009-11-25T09:12:00.007-05:00

A couple weeks before the big day all the clowns get together for some 101 training. This year, I will be a "Birthday Clown" (there's about 30 of us), so look out for me in either an over-sized piece of cake or holding an over-sized ice-cream cone. Fingers crossed for cake, so I can approach spectators and yell, "you wanna' piece of me!?" My parents couldn't be more proud.

Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade Follow: Facebook and/or Twitter

Body Paint + Red Bull = Best Costume in NY

2009-11-24T11:59:00.002-05:00

You're never too old for Halloween folks, never. I love how the MTA brings us all together.

A Bee in Manhattan

2009-11-19T21:05:00.000-05:00

My 9 favorite things from AYM in Mexico City

2009-11-18T10:54:00.002-05:00

The Alliance of Youth Movements brought together individuals across the world who are utilizing social media for societal changes. America witnessed the power of social media during the past Iran election. These were NGO's coordinating Monk protests in Burma, developing programs for inmates in Jamaica or preventing genocide in Africa. My video features none of that. It's just a silly little video.

How to give children a complex

2009-10-28T22:30:00.000-04:00

My cousin, Mindy, is raising some good kids. Those boys refuse to allow Summer to mispronounce the name of that dang Teletubbie.

Pirate Canoe Tippers (PCT)

2009-10-22T09:20:00.001-04:00

The NY, NY Stake Youth had a canoe/seminary kick-off trip. Every canoe was fair game for tipping. I purchased pirate gear intended to make us tougher...but turns out that didn't really help.

Tips for talking Twitter with old people

2009-10-15T12:00:00.000-04:00

Click here to read my recent post on my company's blog (my silly drawing for the article above). I'm a grown man, but I love drawing cartoons...lay off me.

Workout tips

2009-10-10T01:50:00.000-04:00

You just keep dancing. No matter how far your pants fall down or even if the music stops. That, my friends, is how you stay cut.

Bikram Yoga vs. Chipotle (excuse the video delays)

2009-10-05T00:22:00.011-04:00

Folks will try and scare you about this whole Bikram Yoga thing. For the record, neither Mike, Andrea or myself threw up. Andrea was a lil' gassy (as you can tell from the polaroid), but that was it. Excuse the two video delays...I'm trying to fix.

Comedy Central Pilot "Shut up and Deal" by J-Dub

2009-09-18T11:01:00.006-04:00

The Pinkberry lovin' Johnny Wright has been writing comedy for a show called, "Shut up and Deal". The pilot was filmed at Crash Mansion in Soho with Comedy Central execs in the audience. 5 comedians playing poker and answering pop culture trivia...a format which allows some great impromptu comedy. I knew you when Johnny! The venue had a lil' photo booth, so that's why you just saw my huge melon at the end.

U.S. Open '09

2009-09-15T20:51:00.003-04:00

A video of random highlights of an 'eve in Flushing. An 'eve when Roger and Serena were found happy. Not so much on this or that occasion.

128 MPH Roller Coaster in Jersey

2009-09-10T23:41:00.005-04:00

Did you know that the tallest and fastest roller coaster in the world is at Six Flags in Jackson, New Jersey? This makes up for decades of political corruption.

Masculine Bike Bell = Found

2009-09-06T11:50:00.004-04:00

Hands down, the best purchase this summer was a bike. The only hang-up I've had is being stuck behind European tourists on sidewalks. I knew a bell was in order. Only problem is they tend to be somewhat feminine and an eye-sore. Alas, while getting my tune-up at Toga Bike Shop, there HE was. My new bell.

Back it off Europe!

I witnessed the next Apollo Theatre legend

2009-09-04T12:52:00.004-04:00

ladies and gentleman...Shaun-C, live at the Apollo. Crowd tried to boo him off, but you can't hold down a man who's been through the struggle "all his life"

* Hope you like my new blog format. Pushed everything to the right column so video's/pics can be viewed larger. I liked the look of Zac's blog. Also, note the new URL (named by Kathryn Evans).

Who creates cooler cereal bowls?

2009-08-30T23:40:00.013-04:00

I tend to be over-competitive. If challenged to painting cereal bowls, understand that I will destroy you in painting cereal bowls. Bele'dat. Thanks to Little Shop of Crafts on 94th and Amsterdam. Good people.

My favorite neighbor - Josephine Ancelle

2009-08-23T23:33:00.007-04:00

Why do you think I'm renewing my lease on 94th street? Following Sunday morning breakfast, Josephine treated us with her new tunes. I recorded a couple clips and threw on one from her performance at the Living Room on the LES.

I love this French girl (who learned English from "Friends" DVD's btw). I hate her little pooper dog "Remi" (who's at the end of the video) more than anything in life, but I love Josephine. Her next performance is in Paris on Sept. 28th. You can purchase her music here if you dig it. Friggin' Remi.

Johnny Wright <3's Pinkberry?

2009-08-09T23:45:00.006-04:00

Let it be known. The Howard Shultz hatin', Ramone's lovin' contributing writer to yesbutnobutyes.com, Johnny Wright, eats at Pinkberry. But only so he has something to munch on while shopping at Bed, Bath & Beyond.

Johnny, thank you for a lovely Saturday afternoon stroll.

Starburst run on the Magna Cart

2009-08-08T10:53:00.006-04:00

I think every man should own a dolly. Because of a small Manhattan apartment I feel like less of a man. Not anymore. My Dad sent the Magna Cart (nice pun) to my office. Sucker folds up into nothing. Thanks Dad!

Here's my Friday conversation with co-worker, Andrea:

Andrea: Mike, can we go halves on a Starburst?
Mike: If I can take you on my Magna Cart
Andrea: OK

Turtles @ a wedding reception?

2009-07-25T19:50:00.008-04:00

I attended Allison Benne's (pictured) wedding reception at The Boat House in Central Park. It's an insanely sheik venue, but what impressed me the most....

...turtles.

Wanna' scar your kids?

2009-07-15T21:01:00.004-04:00

There I am enjoying Coney Island festivities..and then BOOM! That's how you jack up your kids parents.

For adults its ok, but cmon! It's scary when your a kid.

Independence day @ Coney Island

2009-07-06T23:17:00.006-04:00

I had no idea that Joey Chestnut smoked Kobayashi for the third straight year (downed 68 hot dogs in 10 minutes) in Nathan's HD competition. I figured b/c the crowds were around Kobayashi, he was victorious. I was played people.

Celebrating MJ in Times Square

2009-07-04T10:51:00.004-04:00

NY, NY Stake YM Campout - '09

2009-06-19T14:43:00.004-04:00

...and to think this place is 15 minutes outside of Manhattan. BTW - I dig my calling. The adults and kids you see in this video are some of the most service-oriented folks I know. Created this video on the flight to/from lil' bro's wedding in Sammamish, WA.

Snuggie arrives...finally.

2009-06-17T22:40:00.012-04:00

I order a Snuggie 5 months ago (when it was a novelty) and my old co-workers (above) call to inform me it finally arrived. Before overnighting it to 42nd street (8 blocks away), Roz and Stephanie Bishopp had to take a picture.

Still unsure and frustrated with the now outdated product, I dropped it off to Laura, one of my new co-workers, who shows up to my door 15 minutes later. After seeing the pic of Roz and Steph, and after watching this video of Laura saying, "my back is not snug"...the humor alone made the $20 worth it.

Chuck D + Mike M

2009-06-13T12:22:00.007-04:00

Because Flavor Flav is now a household name, folks tend to forget the meat of Public Enemy...Chuck D (or Carlton Douglas Ridenhour). And I still have no idea how to smile for pictures so just back off. Always a trip meeting childhood idols in person.

Sweet event at Rock & Roll Hall of Fame by SoundCTRL in Soho. Topic: convergence of music and digital media.

My tie goes to the Tony's

2009-06-08T22:30:00.009-04:00

My roommate, Spencer, is getting ready to leave the apartment and I noticed his shirt matched perfectly with one of my "Andrew's Ties". My ties are like my babies, so I only give them up for adoption when the parent is going to take care of them. Little did I know, my tie was heading to a big award show. As excited as I am for my baby's big night out, I worry about the possible smudges or drinks spilt that accompany after-parties and such. The next day, I'm scrolling through pics and I noted the care Fergs gave in the pic above. Very pleased. Then mine anger kindled on the next...

...Look at that!! It's like Fergs went right ahead and back-handed one of my babies! Hands girls, hands! One little smear and these guys are gonzo.

marc + megan matthews (may 30, 2009)

2009-06-02T20:21:00.020-04:00

Little brother married megan oelkers this past weekend at the Dallas Temple. Out of all the weddings I've attended, I've never seen a couple so relaxed throughout the entire weekend. Glad to have Megan join the family!

My mom was sick throughout the weekend and probably threw up 10+ times. My two favorite times were right before this pic she threw up in the Temple water fountain and the other was throwing up in a crystal drinking glass seconds before her dance with Marc. She's a trooper. My favorite conversation over the weekend with her was this:

Mike: mom, did you go tanning?
Mom: I'm not vain, but for weddings...I am

Very cool addition to the reception. Family history items from both the bride and groom. Great grandparent's old trumpet and school uniforms, pics and one really freaky doll that watched me all night.

My dad's band, "Friends of Boo Radley". He's on the right.

The couple is off on a Caribbean cruise, then we have a reception in Seattle. They have a house in Austin where Marc will begin his internship at Fleishman Hillard - Digital and Megan will finish the last year of her master's at University of Texas.

memorial day '09

2009-05-29T00:28:00.011-04:00

what do kids crave more than anything after playing for hours?
I found out at Morningside Park.

P.S. - sorry about the 4 month blog hiatus. New job + school = less blogging. Let me know what you think of the new design/features.

Introducing: Professor Youdaman (me) and Assistant Saucy Bottom (Sara Borg)

2009-01-30T15:00:00.010-05:00

Wyatt Moe turned 7 years-old. He wanted a Harry Potter-themed party. Sara and I (both of whom have never read a HP book) were state college professors trying to get into Dumbledore. Before all the kids arrived Wyatt was running around the house in excitement of all the experiments...we had to make this thing over-the-top.

Here is the agenda. The best was the "toot toot" spell. I used my newly acquired fart machine from my parents on Saucy Bottom. Each time the kids yelled out the spell, Jon (the dad) would press the remote. The boys went nuts. I had to do a reverse spell on her as the boys would stop yelling, "toot-toot-a-flactuate-aleosis".

Assistant Saucy Bottoms and class bring out lunch.

Seven year-old boys are crazy. Check out the one girl in pink, Twyla, in the corner. We would start out each spell with, "ALRIGHT BOYS! and Twyla...get your wands ready...". We forgot to get a video with us doing a spell from the agenda, but I will say that the introduction was classic. Kids chanted "Saucy Bottom, Saucy Bottom" and Sara came out dancing then of course "Youdaman, Youdaman" followed. Man, I hate all the children's of the world.

First week of school is complete

2009-01-28T11:27:00.005-05:00

Turns out you don't need a backpack, thermos, #2 pencils and "Dukes of Hazard" lunch pail for grad school. Those items are for undergrads. You're supposed to bring a laptop bag, Starbucks coffee and your Rolodex. Professors are sharp and classmates bring a diversity of experience. Two of my classmates above, Jay and Kirsten, I plan to steal lunch money from on the weekly. They have no idea.

Preston Thomas is learning the art of "deflection"

2009-01-23T11:24:00.004-05:00

Notice in this video (I'm holding the camera) how whenever my nephew doesn't want to be tickled he tries to change the subject. The boy is a Matthews.

My 4th-grade crush

2009-01-14T17:00:00.009-05:00

Went through old boxes while I was home for Christmas. I came across some stuff from my woman (even though I think 7 other guys thought she was). This stuff is hilarious:

Amy Gibeaut. She was so hot.

Love note from Amy. Look at how many questions she asked. Even at a young age she knew what she was doing.

Can you feel the drama?

If you want to see all the scanning I did, CLICK HERE

2009-01-14T16:55:00.002-05:00

Birthday wrap-up

2009-01-08T16:44:00.012-05:00

Not a big fan of my birthday. After 6th grade I was too old for it. Especially now that I have chest hair. But I do like friends, family and gifts. So here's some highlights to some good people who did thoughtful things:

Some friends gathered for a party. It had a dinosaur theme. The best were the Tyrannosaurus Rex chicken nuggets.

Debo and Elise gave me a "make-out bag". Highly inappropriate, but very creative.

I tried to keep my bday a secret at work. But my parents sent balloons and a remote controlled fart machine (15 different sounds). I plan to use this in the elevator next week and on my roommates girlfriend very often.

Tracy takes me to Chipotle in mid-town. She only orders a drink and chips while I eat my burrito. Halfway through the lunch I look over and noticed that she is dipping her chips in sour cream. Only sour cream and nothing else. Very odd.

Thanks everyone for a great birthday! The homemade salsa (Malia) to the text messages to the facebook notes...thanks. I'm lucky to have good friends and parents who send a machine that I can control from 100 feet away.

New Years above Times Square

2009-01-02T16:33:00.004-05:00

Finally, the view above Times Square. Not as cool as being on the ground, but at least I didn't freeze my derriere off for 8 hours.

Several others had the same idea. We cramped into a small office with the best view. This couple thought it was my office for some reason (I probably led them to believe it). Someone spilt wine on the carpet and I gave them guilt all night.

getting the "wand". Orme is a little drunk off steak.

a taxi drive/walk to Times Square. People had been waiting in 15 degree weather all day. A nice friend (to remain nameless) got us all access into her office building. We went through 3 blocked off streets. The officer in the end of this video tries to stop us, then my "friend" gives her credentials. If only I had this power.

a nice steak dinner until around 11:00 PM on 33rd street.

Aunt Chris and Grandma think I'm poor

2008-12-09T13:51:00.003-05:00

I visited Laytonsville, MD this weekend. My Aunt Chris and Grandma think that everytime I stop by they need to load my up with food. These people are insane. You only hear it briefly in this video, but I always get a kick out of my Aunt's loud Boston laugh.

Macy's Parade "Funny Business" Clown

2008-12-01T11:31:00.010-05:00

Type of clown we were: Funny Business
Type of clown we looked like: Over sized China Dolls
Type of clown we actually were (but not told): Old Babar the Elephant outfits. They just took off the trunk and gave us a tie. When they pulled the Babar float from the parade they didn't know what to do with the outfits. Yup, I'm a hand-me-down clown.

We were right after Ashanti. You can see us behind her float dancing and throwing confetti. You can see how we're all on one side as we know that's where the cameras are. These are the little things you learn as a 3-year veteran. But seriously, Babar.

What up Bangkok?

2008-11-26T10:51:00.005-05:00

It has arrived! My poster-size Bangkok glamour shots. What up Bangkok!? I will post a video later of the former-male employees that dressed me. Looking fierce Michael.

Our adorable French neighbor, Josephine, performs at the "Living Room"

2008-11-18T14:57:00.008-05:00

At the end of her concert she took this picture. It took her 3-4 tries to figure out the flash, so that's why nobody's waving as we didn't think homegirl could figure out the camera. That's my roommate, Brent, and I sitting in the back. We were surrounded by French people who kept shouting "Bravo". The video doesn't give justice to how good she sounded as well as the band. I get a glimpse of how hard it is for artists to make it or even get gigs in this town. I was really proud of Josephine. Before the concert I was a big fan of her, now I'm a big fan of her music. Who knew French people were good looking? Click here to see her Myspace page

Late Halloween package

2008-11-14T14:17:00.004-05:00

This Halloween package came from my Mom today. It's a couple weeks late, which is unacceptable. I'm holding her Christmas gifts until mid-January. I took the box around to co-workers and one lady in legal took the whole PEZ package saying, "I don't feel as guilty eating PEZ."

Rockefeller Center - Christmas Tree

2008-11-14T11:42:00.004-05:00

It's 60 degrees in NY, how is it time for this yet? This 72-foot Norway Spruce tree was planted in 1931 by a couple in Jersey. The wife predicted some day it would make it to NY. The couple has now passed, but one of their sons now own the property. Here's the full story I'll try and time leaving work to when the lighting takes place.

3 hour clown training - Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade '08

2008-11-05T11:15:00.005-05:00

This year I will be a "Funny Business Clown". Think big tie, over-sized cell phone and ton of confetti. This is my 3rd year doing the Parade. So, I went from Fireman to Cowboy and now in this extremely difficult economy...a Business clown. As I walk past midtown Manhattan I will probably be spit on. I snuck in some video above from our clown training...taught by the pro's of course. We have a small group of 11, so I don't know if we'll get on TV this year.

First timer, Stephanie Bishopp, gives a recap of the training. The Parade is always a blast (save the waking up at 4 AM part). You can do whatever you want to interact with the thousands of spectators as well as people hanging out the windows. Kids like confetti and high-fives, adults like skits and chants.

Central Park Half-marathon

2008-11-01T16:54:00.005-04:00

Brent and I were supportive roommates and woke up early on Saturday morning for Chad's run. We never found Chad. Excuse the snot, I had a lot of it.

Oscar Olaya leaves for his Church mission

2008-10-17T20:11:00.005-04:00

A really close friend of mine, Oscar Olaya, just left for his two-year mission for my Church. He'll spend that time all over the Raleigh, North Carolina area. Oscar is born and bred here in Manhattan. He raps, he love the Yankees, he loves to tell muscle jokes and he loves people. We threw him a farewell party and above is the video I made for him.

Also, I will be posting his letters/pictures on a blog for the next 2 years (missionaries only write/email home once a week and no telephone calls except for Mother's day and Christmas). Here is the blog: http://oscarolaya.blogspot.com/

Oscar joined the LDS Church 4 years ago, and this was the rap he wrote around that time.

Red Sox v. Tampa Bay - Game #4 ALCS Championship

2008-10-16T16:54:00.007-04:00

A taxi drops me off at my hotel in Boston. I look over and snap the above picture with my cell phone. I say to myself, "wait, those lights are on...it's a home game at Fenway tonight!". Talk about timing. My 3rd favorite baseball park, a critical playoff game, it's 75 degrees and I'm walking distance away. Someone really wants me to start cheering on a different team besides the Mariners..as the same thing happened in Chicago with the Cubs (see earlier post).

I ask my boss if he wants to go. His reply, "are you kidding, freeze my @#$ off for a $1,000 ticket in the upper deck?!" This did get me somewhat worried as it's a small stadium and I'm sure it's sold out. So here's my ticket scalping story, which I'm very proud of:

I took out $100 cap in various bills. I approached my first scalper who smelt like a NYC taxi driver. There were 2 guys in front of me who he had to sell to first. As we waited he spoke softly to each so the prices weren't known. I quickly made friends with the guy in front of me and as he was heading towards the stadium with his ticket he mouthed, "$250".

Stinky Scalper said, "I got a single ticket, 30 rows back from home plate...$250". I said, no thanks, and gave the whole "I don't care if I get in or not...not a huge fan of either team" attitude.

I started to walk away and he yelled, "'aight 'aight $200!!"

"No thanks, I'm going to head closer to the stadium and see what else is open" (start walking away again)

"'Aight 'aight! $150! I'll give it to you."

"It's alright, you'll find another buyer for that..take care."

"Well, how much you wanna' pay?"

"$50"

"(insert cuss under breath) how 'bout $60?"

"Done"

Face value of the ticket = $100. Who's the man?

Here's a video of my first view of Fenway. 1912 my people, 1912. I'm currently working on selling the old Yankees stadium, so I had to keep reminding myself to stop putting price tags on everything and hope they keep this stadium for years to come.

OK, here's where the story gets interesting. I sit down in my seat and notice that the 40 people around me are all wearing blue including myself, by accident (only jacket I had). I ask the guy next to me about how all the Tampa Bay fans got put together. He said, "this is the family section for the Rays players". So, Dan Wheeler's (pitcher) entire family were to my left and James Shield's (pitcher) wife and uncle were to my left. Talk about it being difficult to cheer for Ortiz. Every time the Ray's destroyed the Sox in this game, my little family section would all stand and cheer. 37,000 drunk Boston fans didn't like that too much. Fortunately I was packing. I now have the open invite to dinner at the Shields home in Tampa Bay.